It’s the greatest time of the year with the return of Wrestlemania, and more importantly the return of Why Are You Booing Me?! Yes, it’s been awhile, but your favorite rasslin’ writer is back with a whole new gimmick. No longer will we focus solely on the post wwe Hulkamania and pre-NWO era-instead all things wrestling modern or past are on the proverbial ridiculously small tables you find at Japan shows. Plus-cause we love you-we are throwing in some other non-wrestling content too- so be on the lookout for that in the future.
To kick off our return we present you a review of Wrestlemania night one (along with a little bit of catch-up for any lapsed fans, or anyone who just needs a refresher on what the hell is going on in the land of the WWE these days)
If you are wondering what WWE is up to these days it’s basically perfecting the art of raking in the dough. Think about this: during a pandemic- with no live fans, and where they had company wide massive lay-offs- the company was still able to report record earnings. Not just kinda good numbers for a pandemic- we are taking Bret Hart best there ever was numbers.
So in general Vince is doing great.
Things that are not doing so great the weather in Tampa Bay. For the first time ever Wrestlemania opens in weather delay because of thunder and lightening.
Things that became pretty great because of the delay this was the return to the old PPV staple of the parade of unscripted promos by wrestlers selling their matches- which is highlighted by you guessed it Kevin Owens. I definitely miss this style of promo, and hopefully the necessity of mother nature’s whims allows this to be snuck back into our wrestling conscious again. Drew McIntyre cuts a promo that channels this classic Lex Luger masterclass of the linguistic kinetic energy of flying without a script.
The WWE Championship kicks off the granddaddy of them all with Drew McIntyre battling the champ The Almighty Bobby Lashley with his manager MVP.
To catch everyone up at last year’s Wrestlemania Drew McIntyre beat Brock Lesner in 6 minutes to become the new WWE champion. The shitty part was their was nobody was in attendance so he didn’t get his official Wrestlemania moment with the fans. His title reign was unfortunately overshadowed by the Covid and bizarre booking. The Scottish Warrior would finally lose the belt in lackluster fashion to Randy Orton 203 days in to his reign. I had to look this up as ever happened because I can not remember anything about this Orton title run, and it’s for good reason- it lasted only about three weeks before Drew won the title back. And from there Randy Orton went to burn a wrestler alive, get burned by a fireball from Alexa Bliss, and venture into a supernatural battle with the Fiend.
For McIntyre he would have a feud/bromance with Seamus, and eventually lose his title a few weeks ago to a Lashley assisted Miz MITB briefcase cash in to win the title. Now this was all a ruse by Bobby Lashley to recapture the title as he easily beats the Miz to win the title. So it makes sense since all roads were leading to Drew getting the title back at Wrestlemania- especially considering they weirdly made Lashley turn on his awesome faction the Hurt Business for no reason (like literally no fucking reason), and had him doing the cowardly heel thing of hiring wrestlers to take out the Scottish Warrior before the big match. Like I mean why drop the title if it wasn’t all meant to build to the moment of his coronation in front of the first live crowd in over a year? So with all that said of course the match ends with Lashley winning by putting McIntyre to sleep with his finisher. Like really flat ending that makes no sense with the booking leading up to this, but hopefully they will just pretend that last couple weeks never happened and Lashley can get back to doing the best work of his career, and bring The Hurt Business back together again.
But damn Drew, McMahon said you were the man Drew, and they did you with some 3MB type treatment here with the swerve of all signs pointing to him finally getting his true Wrestlemania moment in front of the fans, and instead ends up being put to sleep in the middle of the ring to king off the show.
Next up is the tag team turmoil match for a shot at the women’s tag title tomorrow night. I don’t know what Tamina has on Vince, but why in 2021 do we have to suffer through a Tamina push with her cat lady friend Nattie I will never understand. Especially when we have an international treasure like Billie Kaye in the match.
Ughh this whole thing was awful as the daughter of a murderer runs the gauntlet of Noami and Lana, Billie Kaye and Carmella, Mandy and Brooke, and finally the Riot Squad in the finals for the unfortunate win. Tomorrow The Take Your Daughter’s To Work Team will take on Shayna Bayzler and my hole Nia Jax for the tag straps.
A Ring of Honor dream match is next with Seth Rollins versus Cesaro. Rollins is currently doing a great delusional heel that is channeling one part old school Jericho- and the other ever annoying internet influencer/politician ever. Cesaro is in the middle of a big baby face push where the federation finally remembered that dude is one of the best workers on the planet. After a fantastic back and forth match with a lot of call backs to their ROH matches- including Rollins breaking out a twisting 360 splash, and Cesaro countering with the UFO- a handless airplane spin, and over 23 swings of Rollins. The crowd is hype for this match- and Cesaro wins cleanly with the neutralizer for his first ever Wrestlemania singles win; which is a huge big step up from jobbing to a child at Wrestlemania a couple years ago.
Speaking of tag team champs getting absolutely destroyed we have the New Day. Remember KofiMania? That was great. This was not KofiMania- this was Kofi getting beat by a foot pin fall by the giant Omos.
This is what you get Kofi for trying to match maroon pants with red Jordan 1’s. This was here to establish Omos as a dominant force, and mission was achieved.
As we continue 6 degrees of a child tag team champion we have his partner Brain Stroman in a cage match against yawn…Shane McMahon. This was a match made because my dad owns the company. I am sorry but nobody wants to see a Shane McMahon match anymore. Nobody wants to see you botch a van terminator anymore. And nobody wants to see you taking someone else’s spot in a match, or do a high spot that takes away from the main event matches because of your vanity. Fuck Shane McMahon. If you care they did a bully angle where Shane McMahon out of nowhere decides to bully the strongest dude in the WWE by calling him dumb. That’s the angle.
I hate everything about this match. Nikolas’s tag team partner wins with a power slam. Proving even a 6’8 390 shredded dude in the best shape of his life can overcome a 50 year old dad bod dude non-wrestler who dabbles in mma on the side.
The celebrity portion of Wrestlemania is next as Bad Bunny and Punishment Martinez take on The Miz and Morrison. This turns out to be one of the best celeb matches in awhile as Bad Bunny shows he has been putting in the work in the ring, and Miz and Morrison sell their asses off to make him look great. Hell this low key turns out to be one of the better matches of the nigh as Bad Bunny works most of the match and hits a San Juan Sunrise(a Canadian destroyer), and flying splash to secure his team the victory.
The main event is finally upon us and one thing that has been lacking tonight is grand entrances, and surprisingly both entrances for the main event are pretty subdued. Here is hoping tomorrow they go all out. But what this match lacked in entrance theatrics more than made up for in theatrics on the mat. Sasha and Bianca have a great back and forth match with multiple near falls, and multiple feats of strength by the rookie. In the end Bianca finally gets the win capping her dream rookie year with the Women’s title.
Overall the show was decent- but didn’t have that big Wrestlemania feel to me . I love the lineup tonight a lot more- so here is hoping they do it bigger than Omos standing on Akeem the African Dream shoulders tonight. So like really really really big!