Hope all you pencil necked geeks enjoyed the Summer Slam review, and brought your bathing suit because we are heading down south to Mississippi for WCW’s Bash at the Beach. Eric Bischoff and Missy Hyatt kick off the ppv, and Tony Schiavone and Jesse “The Body” Ventura are on play by play duties. They are all dressed like extras from a beach scene In Weekend at Bernies complete with Schiavone going full gimmick with a suntan nose bit.

I am wondering if Bischoff and Tony called themselves the night before and coordinated for the Poochie look this night.

The crowd is hot for the opening match where Ron Simmons faces off against Paul Orndorff. The crowd is all over Orndorff chanting “Paula.” Orndorff plays this up well as the casual misogyny rain downs on him from the crowd. The match is pretty disappointing considering the talent involved, and ends in the most WCW way possible when Ron Simmons is disqualified when reversing a pile driver and back flipping Orndorff to the floor. Yes this the days when throwing your opponent over the top rope gets you disqualified. Remember this spot for later in the PPV. If you are wondering the reason for this rule being enforced, as well as the DQ for going off the top rope, you can thank racist ass Bill Watts who hated entertaining the fans more than he enjoyed casual racism. This hatred is further proved by his offspring Eric Watts push. Orndorff cuts a promo after the match on Ricky Steamboat, declaring himself the John Wayne of wrestling, and that Steamboat is too old to be in the ring with him and has to dye his hair darker than Eric Watts future. Fun fact Orndorff is four years older than Steamboat at 44 and using Jon Wayne references in 1993. That’s some good old fashioned heeling right there.

Speaking of Eric Watts he is set to face off against Lord Steven Regal with his manager Sir William. Things I never knew: Sir William is actually Memphis legend and Jerry Lawler adversary Bill Dundee. Regal is fantastic in this match using some good old fashion U.K. mat wrestling to take control of the match. If he was wrestling Zach Sabre Jr., instead of Eric Watts, Dave Meltzer’s head might have exploded in stars. Instead the crowd is beyond silent to the point the announcers cover it up by saying the fans are not conditioned to cheer for these types of wrestling moves. What I think they meant it’s an Eric fucking Watts match and they are conditioned not to cheer him because he is a black hole of charisma. Watts hits a sloppy STF but Regal is able to escape and grabs a school boy pin for the win. Other than fans do you know who also is not conditioned to care about Eric Watts? The WCW production crew as they just run Regals name twice during the intros.

During my original draft I totally forgot the second match happened. Because I don’t want to ruin my great segue with Watts we are just going to place this match here. Even though I would like to place this match out of my mind like it never happened. The one cool thing is if you don’t remember Two Cold Scorpio and Buff Bagwell were a tag team they were. And if you didn’t think their gimmick was them as dancers well you are dead wrong. Because their gimmick was basically they just dressed the same and danced before the match.

They are up against none others than the Godwinns when they were Tex Slazenger and Shanghai Pierce.

If you were really into the Godwinns I am sure you loved this match. If you were like most normal fans you probably didn’t. Scorpio and Bagwell win in a match that went longer than the NWA championship bout later in the PPV. Why the Godwinns get more time than Ric Flair is something no wrestling fan will ever understand.

Next up we have a Little Richard impersonator versus every guy ever who has worked at a Guitar Center- Johnny B. Bad versus Max Payne. If you don’t remember Max Payne he looked like a mash-up between the Nasty Boys and Public Enemy, and he played the electric guitar.

He is feuding with Sable’s former husband after Payne used Badd’s glitter skeeter and burned his face off. Badd sells the burns with a pink mask and decked out in an outfit that would make an Indian from Treme blush. (Shout out to Lester Freeman)

Max Payne gives Eric Watts a run for worst wrestler of the night in a match where my notes only say, “Badd wins, yawn.”

A tag team championship match is next with the truly underrated Hollywood Blondes versus the bizarre time line shitty Horsemen. The Hollywood Blondes consist of Stunning Steve Austin and Brian Pillman the days before they were pulling guns on each other in Raw. Austin has the hair of an actor playing the role of an evil frat guy named Chad, who in reality looks ten years older than he should be for the part because of his receding hairline.

If you wondering who Paul Roma is he is the worst Four Horsemen other Steve McMicheal. He was mostly a jobber to the stars in WWF, and had his most successful run with Hercules as Power and Glory in 1991 where they had a small push but never won the titles. After he left the WWF he tried his hand at boxing and was dreadful, and quickly returned to wrestling after only three boxing fights. Why this resume led him to the horsemen I will never know because he was at best a poor man’s Tom Zenk. I feel bad for Arm as he is going from one of the best tag teams in history, the Brain Busters with Tully Blanchard, to teaming with Roma and wearing silk screened t-shirts they just bought earlier on the boardwalk.

The match is a great old fashioned tag match. The Blondes start off with some good heat jawing with some Camero loving fans in the first in the front row.

It’s a back and forth match that’s a little heavy on the rest holds. If you love arms bars as much as Chris Jericho does you would love the action. Roma pulls a pure Roma when he does a backslide pin attempt on Austin and manages to almost pin himself with it by having both his shoulders squarely down on the mat.

A cool spot happens when Pullman dives off the ring and Anderson moves and Flying Brian gives himself a stun gun over the railing. During the match Austin mimics riding a horse and then does push ups next to Roma who has been isolated by the Blondes.

Anderson gets the hot tag and hits a fantastic ddt on Austin. Ventura makes a great point when Anderson reverses a suplex attempt on the outside edge of the apron and throws Austin to the floor causing a DQ. Did I say disqualification? I meant absolutely nothing happens. Which enrages both Jessie Ventura and myself. Schiavone covers saying he wasn’t in the ring. Which makes no sense because he threw Austin from the ring onto the floor. Schiavone is pure coward and never answers his broadcast partner. Jessie won’t drop it though, and like me he wants to know! Blondes win it with Austin holding the tights after Pillman clothesline’s Roma reversing a victory roll when the ref was distracted holding Anderson back in the corner.

Following that match is the 30 minute Iron Man battle between Rick Rude and “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes for the US Heavyweight championship. Missy Hyatt makes an attitude era joke by saying every women’s dream is a man that goes 30 minutes. And Ventura follows it up going ballistic having to listen to the future Golddust’s “goat roping” entrance music. Missy Hyatt’s joke is the best part of the next 30 minutes. Very slow match with very little build up or heat. I really wanted to enjoy this match more but it felt every 30 minutes long as it went. Rude picks up the first pinfall about halfway though. Rhodes fights back to tie it up with a solid looking bulldog. I will give it up to them for the crowd gets hype as this match gets under five minutes . The match ends in a draw and the US title is still not claimed. But hey this match does allow the WCW production crew an opportunity to floss their next level graphics.

The once all mighty NWA heavyweight title championship is up next as defending champ Barry Windham takes on Ric Flair who is looking for his 10th title. The NWA title had lost some of its luster since the glory days of Crockett. WCW had its own heavyweight championship currently held by Big Van Vader, and by the fall the title would no longer exist in the promotion as WCW withdrew from the NWA alliance. Windham is currently a tweener doing a lone wolf gimmick that Baron Corbin would one day steal before his current manager at a Fashion Bug motif. Windham also looks exactly like Lucy Purcell from True Detective 3.

If I told you the fans would sit on their hands most of the match and they would wrestle for less time than a throwaway match at the beginning of the ppv you would think I was as crazy as those that posted that Purple Haze’s future wife was Will’s killer. But it’s true. Match feels very awkward and always off. The ending drives this point home with a bizarre figure four pin with in ten seconds of Flair applying it. Windham is reaching for the rope for the first two counts as shown here.

Next thing the referee counts three and both wrestlers seem confused as the bell rings moments later. Windham did move his shoulders by scrunching them up instead of the normal one up, but the ending comes out of no where.

The dirt sheet rumors at the time said that this was either a way to let Windham keep his heat even during a loss, or he had tore up his knee during the match and the pain just made him lose track of his positioning in the ring, or he was just pissed he had to drop the belt so he just said fuck it and ended it when he wanted to. Either way Ric Flair wins his tenth championship in a dud.

The main event is the Super Powers Sting and Davey Boy Smith in matching allies power duster jackets.

Versus the Masters of the Powerbomb world champ Vader and Sid Justice. The crowd is back from the doldrums of the NWA title match and start going crazy as Sting starts off against a jacked Sid Vicious. Davey Boy is in WCW now because I am pretty sure they are not testing for steroids because the dude is a mass of muscles at this time complete with an old fashioned round belly. The Bulldog hits a great standing delay suplex on Vader. Also Davey Boy still has his every white girl ever cornrows when they are in Jamaica look.

Back and forth match match with the heels controlling much of the offense hi-lighted by Vader hitting a better moonsault than Charlotte Flair ever has done on the Bulldog. Sting makes a leaping dive for the save. After the save Bulldog hits a rolling crucifix for the 1 2 3 on a very pissed off Vader, who after the loss gives Schiavone a whallop to the back area for no good reason other than he looked stupid.

Solid match where the good guys win and the fans go home happy. Fun fact the Iron Man match was longer than the two main events put together. Overall a very uneven ppv. I never thought I’d see a title match with Ric Flair with such a dead crowd. Highlights of the night were the two tag matches, and making fun of Eric Watts. If I had to choose which summer PPV to watch again SummerSlam gets my vote. Now we are off to the cuffing season of PPVs Fall Brawl and Survivor Series.