We start first with 1993 Summerslam the first ppv after Hulk Hogan left. This is the start of the next generation which is code word for everyone is off steroids, and Vince thinks every wrestler also needs a day job. We kick the ppv off with an opening that goes all America on our asses. If you didn’t know we are currently in the Lex Express era where the WWF tried to make the fetch of wrestling happen-babyface Lex Luger. Basically they dressed Lex in a American flag, and had him ride around in a bus kissing babies. It went over about as well as it sounds. The announce team is Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan, while good old JR and Gorilla Moonsoon call it for the radio listeners.
The opening is a solid match pitting baby face Razor Ramon looking like a fly Desi Arnaz impersonator in pink, versus a white suit Ted Dibiase-which is a really underrated look for the Million Dollar Man. In 1993 you will notice a lot of the stars from the Hogan years are transitioning from their glory days of the late 80’s and will be soon on their way out the door(aka a WCW paycheck). Heenan gets in a beautiful line blaming Razor Roman’s large adam’s apple for being the reason behind Dibiase’s chokehold after a classic Pearl Harbor attack to start the match. Razor eventually wins with the Razor’s Edge in what felt about seven minutes, and to keep it heel ain’t even going to google that to see if I am right about the time.
Next they cut to an interview with the Steiner Bruhs mom and sister who has the flesh of a hotdog. I am saying she is soo tan EC3 showed up at her tanning intervention.
The Steiner Bruhs battle the Heavenly Bodies with none other than James E. Cornette in their corner rocking a neck brace. The Heavenly Bodies are Jiggalo Jimmy Del Ray and Dr.Tom Pritchard from Smoky Mountain Wrestling. They are able to use some good old fashioned tag team wrestling to isolate the Steiner Bruhs before the Bruhs eventually get bored and just suplex the challengers on the heads of their stupid sexy bodies. Steiner Bruhs win in their hometown of Detroit.
An intercontinental title match follows with Sean Michaels with Diesel versus Curt Henning, who is revising the role that Ted Dibiase occupied in the first match. Also fun fact Henning is coming of a brief retirement and commentary role and by Summerslam (technically King of the Ring when he had a fantastic match with Bret Hart that was a psychological masterpiece) is running on all cylinders again. Diesel currently is rocking the mullet of dude who really enjoys bouncing too much and wants to show how dedicated he is to the job, but also wants to wear some flip flops and drink a bud light with his boys at the beach.
He is in Shawn’s corner to “keep the chicks away.” Shawn definitely still has smile and wins after interference from Diesel when he breaks up a perfect plex, and throws Mr. Perfect into the ring post. Post match Mr. Perfect chases Shawn down the aisle to continue their feud. It was Shawn Michaels and Mr. Perfect so you know it was perfectly fine wrestling.
David Foster Wallace’s favorite wrestler is up next as IRS, Irwin R. Schyster, enters the ring. And yes I am going to give myself a Barry Horowitz pat on the back for “The Pale King” reference- which is why you get an MFA degree to one day write a wrestling blog. He is facing the 123 King who is on his first PPV and The Brain wisely notes is up past 8 o’clock for the first time. A decent back and forth match until the future X-PAC runs into tax cheat city as IRS writes him off like a 1040 form.
Next we have Bret Hart versus The King Jerry Lawler. Good bit of heeling from the R Kelly of wrestling as he shows up to the match on crutches after a horrific multi car accident. The Brain informs us of his heroics as he saved 45 kids from a school bus and then bought them all hamburgers. The King has his court jester Doink the Clown fill in for him. Doink starts off by throwing water on the most annoying Hart brother Bruce- who looks like the proverbial uncle who is a real dick to his nieces and nephews. Doink and Bret go back and forth in a good match. Doink when played by Matt Bourne(the former Big Josh for the wcw fans) was very solid in the ring. After the match Lawler attacks Brett with the crutches until President Jack Tunney comes down to restart the match between Lawyler and Hart because Lawler was faking his injury. Fun fact did you know Jack Tunney was a Canadien? Hart wins the match, but in a fit of anger refuses to let go of the sharpshooter till the ref reverses the decision and the King picks up the win.
Bootleg Brock Lesnar Ludwig Borga is up next. Borga was supposed to be the next great foreign heel menace. Borga cuts a promo about welfare- which is odd considering all the public safety nets in his home country in Finland- but heel logic amirite? He squashes Marty Jannette with ease.
An absolutely awful match is next where Undertaker defeats Giant Gonzalez and gets back his urn. All you need to know is Giant Gonzalez is very tall and so skinny Vince makes him dress in a weird muscle body suit straight from the Arrested Development collection where fur covers his ass and junk.
We follow that barnbarner with a popcorn break featuring a John Wayne tag team of the Smoking Guns and Tatanka versus the dudes with hard heads Ban Bam Bigelow and the Headshrinkers. This is the racist trope match of the night and the John Wayne tag team wins when Tatanka pins Samu after a missed flying headbutt. Which in kayfabe makes no sense because the Headshrinkers heads are the one part of the body they don’t feel pain in.
Last is the main event featuring the the heavyweight champ Yokozuna versus Lex Luger. Back and forth match where Yokozuna’s mass proves to much for Luger until the end when his finally able to suplex the behemoth. Luger follows that up with his illegal forearm of steel to knock out the champ and fling him to the outside. Yokozuna is counted out but retains the title. A bunch of good guys and patriotism fill the ring to come out to celebrate cheating ass Lex Luger as the sham that Luger as the next Hulk Hogan continues as Summerslam comes to an end.